Just last week I had a call with a lovely woman (let‘s call her Amy), who was “curious” about my profession. She was very sweet about sharing her appreciation for my work, inspirational messages and “pretty cool” videos. As we chatted, I noticed she was very comfortable discussing many different things in her life with me from current news, friends, sports, her friend’s relationships her job and more. I asked her about her reason for calling. I sensed an immediate shift in her energy. Suddenly she seemed tentative, afraid even, as we turned the conversation to her. It’s was different. It was obvious.
I probed (gently with compassion and respect) of course. She finally revealed that she was having a hard time because her latest relationship (the 3rd within 9 months) had come to an end. She needed serious advice. She feebly admitted that she didn’t believe she deserved a good man in her life. She confessed that when the good seems to be too good in a relationship, she wants to bolt in the opposite direction. Always waiting for bad to surface.
“Sabotage” I said to her. Do you feel like you’re sabotaging your relationships? At first she wouldn’t admit it; she really wanted to make each of the men the issue of her guarded and fragile heart. Her claim was that something had to be wrong with them. The more I listened to her demeanor it was obvious to me that she didn’t really believe this. Almost instantaneously she stopped in mid sentence and said “Okay, dammit! I guess it is me!” She began to cry asking “What do I do? I just want so much so fast with men! Do I give up too much too fast? What am I doing so wrong?”
It was understandable that Amy felt this way. Many women have experienced a similar pattern. Amy’s challenge is one of the many common causes for ‘relationship re-runs’ and self avoidance. What’s most important here is;
#1. She realized that she’s reached the end of her rope with failed relationships because of her fears. Her epiphany clearly states that she knows that she deserves better in her love life. Often many women ignore their obvious patterns and keep plugging away blindly having difficult relationship after relationship without taking time to learn anything from the previous one.
#2. She had the courage to look into her “ugly mirror” and admit that it was Her that she needed to be held responsible. It wasn’t necessarily the men (by her admission) but more so her reasoning for feeling she doesn’t deserve something real, healthy and fulfilling to remain committed to.
So what do you think?
Have you ever “self sabotaged” a relationship in your life? What could change when women stop doing this to themselves?
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