Commendable for sure but, most men (who may not be as driven or accomplished, or insecure) will perceive your “success” and “achievements” as the definition of who you are as a person, therefore, feeling “out of your league”. Believe it or not, this interpretation is more common than you might think in the dating arena at ANY age. You are a successful woman for a reason and a large part of your success is absolutely not because you minimized your talents, passion, and education. “Dumb-ing down” is not an option. Besides, why should you? You’re not the one whose uncomfortable with whom you are. Right?

However, there are a few “crafty” approaches that can build “him” up instead of you having to “dumb it down.”

#  1. I call this the “How are you? What do you do?” Defibrillator!
The most common and most comfortable 2 questions people ask when “socializing” and making small talk are ‘How are you?” and “What do you do?” Well, here’s what I practice and I encourage all of my single clients to practice it as well. I love this! When you’re out at an event/social and someone asks you “How are you?” you should most certainly respond accordingly. However, instead of returning the same question (”How are you?”) try asking them “I’m feeling pretty good about this event. How are you feeling today?” or “I’m doing very well, tell me about something that made you smile today.” People almost never expect this and I haven’t met a person yet who doesn’t love it. It immediately engages them and they take notice of you as an open person. In addition, it also shifts their energy to a positive place because they have to actually think about what did make them smile or how they are feeling in that moment. It’s pretty powerful and received well.

As for the “What do you do?” question, try this; instead of telling someone your title, the definition of your job and responsibilities of your job position etc… sum it up and package it differently. For example, if you are a T.V host for a show that locates runaway kids for their estranged parents. Instead of saying “I’m a T.V. host for blah, blah, blah…” You could say “I’m someone who is very passionate about family and my daily mission is to reconnect families and make them whole again”.

Can you see the difference? It redirects “What do you do?” from it being all about you and your accomplishments to all about the families and truly about the nature of your work.

# 2. So let’s say you often engage in interesting conversations with men, but they soon disappear. Here’s a suggestion; next time you’re having a conversation with a man and there’s some interest, put on your “curiosity hat” and simply ask fun, light-hearted questions about him. For example, “You’re pretty tall. I’m curious to know if you played volleyball in college.” Hopefully he didn’t but, if he did it’s a great way to know more about him in a fun way.  In other words, make the conversation all about him. This isn’t to be evasive on your part at all but, it is to hi-light him….you know…show him you’re interested. Look at it like this,  while you’re making the conversation entertaining and friendly and not all about business and projects, he will most likely feel relaxed (and so will you) and he will share and  ask light hearted questions of you too, therefore developing rapport with each other.

#3. Body language speaks volumes! Now, I’m not sure what your body language is like when you’re in a social setting (obviously because I’m not there) but I’m willing to bet that you’re pretty astute and more so professional than relaxed. It’s perfectly fine when the environment calls for it. Often times, people in general are not aware of what sort of vibe their body language exudes. Standing straight up, shoulders square and strong eye contact can come across closed and “strictly business” and often intimidating or a deterrent to most men, especially if he’s trying to make a connection with you. Again, I’m not saying this is you but, I am suggesting to perhaps being a bit more aware of your body language when you interact with men of interest. A relaxed and “open for conversation” demeanor with a few timely smiles and batting your eyelashes can certainly make a subtle, welcoming and professional impression on a man.

#4. Believe it or not, and this is a huge one!! The next time you find yourself engaged in a conversation with a man you find attractive or interesting and you know you don’t want him to pull the “Disappearing Acts” try paying him a compliment. Perhaps it’s his suit or shoes or his tie, just pay him a (genuine) compliment and I assure you he’ll be hooked from the gate to share and receive casual conversation with you. The odds of him disappearing sharply diminish and the exchange of contact information takes place and daily conversations begin. Contrary to popular belief guys like compliments very much. It’ let’s him know that you are paying attention to him and it’s not all about you.

Integrate a couple of these “crafty” approaches into you your repertoire and I’m pretty confident you’ll see things shift in your favor when participating in the dating arena.

Be Strong. Be Empowered.

Shelby M. Hill, CPC  MPC

www.SheSaysItsComplicated.com

I’ll be the first one to say it and I’ll say it out loud…ARGUING SUCKS! Why should two people argue about anything when they can have a conversation, a civil discussion, perhaps a mildly intense respectful two-way dialogue amongst themselves? There’s no love in yelling at each other. It’s much easier and so less stressful than throwing verbal daggers and transferring low level catabolic energy back and forth. This kind of “red hot” environment accomplishes nothing except more frustration, hurt feelings, doubt, anger, distrust and so much more internal strife. Are these the ingredients for a healthy mutually respectful relationship? I think not! Listen, arguments are inevitable in just about any relationship. Most therapists will agree that if two people in a committed relationship never argue, then it’s most certain that there are some deeper issues in that relationship. Think about it, if you and your partner never have a disagreement how can either of you know what makes the other tick or tock. Sure there’s such thing as ‘soul mates’ and ‘kindred spirits’ and all of that stuff but to not have one disagreement? That can’t possibly be a fun or a sincere relationship!

The point here is not so much about whether you argue at all, a little or a lot but more so about how you handle each other during the state of disagreement. You must try and see the situation from the other person’s perspective. As difficult as this can be (and boy do I know) it’s imperative. It’s understood that you’re human and with that understanding, it also means that you are very subjective to how you perceive things. It makes sense. However, the personal development occurs for you when you put forth the effort to be objective in disagreements with your mate. He/she will most certainly appreciate you for this. If you stretch yourself for no other reason, at least do it for the love of your mate.

Because arguments suck, it just makes sense to find the greater value in your commitment to one another and exert all of your positive energy to enhancing your lives together rather than tearing them apart.

Be Strong. Be Empowered. ™

Shelby M. Hill, MBA, CPC

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No matter how much the world may turn, one thing is certain, you only get one chance to make a first impression.  I sure wish someone would’ve told me this 20 years ago when I went on my very first date.  I wore a bright pink button down dress shirt, a pair of gray pants (not quite jeans and not quite slacks either) and a pair of white TRAX tennis shoes! Not to mention, I had shaved and edged my hair myself.  I still have pictures as evidence. Needless to say, I looked and felt like a cornball when my date opened the door and sort of smirked at me. We still had our date but, it was our first and last. Now let’s fast forward years later (2010) and let’s just say, I’ve learned a thing or two about making a first and lasting impression on a woman with just my dress code alone. Check out the following tips and please share them with the guys you know, so they will not make or continue to make these critical ‘dress code’ mistakes that most men do.

Guys- Don’t wear this on the first date;

Bright shirts, Stripped shirts and Sweatshirts- Guys if you want to make a nice subtle impression on a first date please do not wear a bright colored shirt, striped shirt, or especially a t-shirt/sweatshirt with your favorite pro or college team.  Bright colors make you look like you’re desperate for attention and trying too hard to be noticed. Striped shirts make you look like you’re in high school and t-shirts/sweaters with a college or pro team plastered all over it should be self explanatory. Women like a nice clean look on a man. For example a nice solid colored polo shirt that’s tucked in and fits nicely on your body. You can never go wrong with earth tones for shirts. Very comforting to the eye and offers a warm presence to her.

Lose the “Bling- Bling”!-Please leave all of your bling at home! I know your confidence may be totally tied into your gold, silver, platinum chains, 2 carat CZ studded earrings, and your ‘big faced’ CZ encrusted watch. I understand that you may feel that this defines you and that those tangible items alone, will make her fall head over heels for you (depending on the kind of woman you like, maybe it will) but trust me, for the most part, women are strongly turned off by men who are flashy and gouty with jewelry. It’s distracting and she immediately draws a stereotypical perception of you. Most women appreciate men who are subtle about wearing his accessories and not defined by them. If you must wear a necklace, only wear one and tuck it inside of your shirt. When she notices it (and she will) she’ll ask to see it, and then you’ll have an opportunity to share your story behind its sentimental value to you, which makes for additional conversation.  If you must wear a watch, feel free to do so, however, be sure that it’s classy and tasteful. It does not have to be expensive or a major brand.  It should just be casual and able to blend in and stand out just pinch with the rest of your attire.  I assure you, women appreciate nice watches. She’ll notice it and compliment it without you purposely drawing attention to it.

Shorts R’ Not US- Unless you have set the expectation from the onset that the date is going to be in a pool party, a beach setting, or a Bar-BQ etc., never ever wear shorts on a first date.  This is extremely tacky! I don’t care how much you may work out your legs and feel that they are your “best assets” (I feel sorry for you if they are) wearing shorts exudes room for maturity on his part and in my opinion; he’s not taking you seriously. Granted, I’m not suggesting he wear a tuxedo or a shirt and tie. Odds are if he were, this wouldn’t be your first date. But certainly a nice pair of jeans or slacks is 100% acceptable.

Don’t take a shower in your Old English facial wash- Don’t get me wrong, cologne is good but too much cologne can be disastrous. A woman loves when a man smells delicious. There’s just something about when a man smells good that makes her melt.  In fact, if you smell good, it could very possibly make it easy for her to overlook the bright orange shirt with the stripes that you’re wearing. My strong suggestion is select cologne that has a subtle and sexy scent and stick with it. Own that scent and make it yours.  Also, not all colognes are going to compliment your natural body chemistry so be sure you and the cologne are a good fit before you drown yourself in it.

DO NOT wear a mask! - In other words don’t wear someone else’s personality. Just be who you are. If you’re trying to be something or someone that you’re not, it’ll be so obvious. So obvious that you’ll be uncomfortable and this will certainly transfer to her comfort level as well.  If you try to be someone else other than you, it’s only a matter of time that the real You will surface, therefore if she does like you, it won’t be the real you that she likes, it’ll be the “other guy” that you showed up as. And you will totally lose her because neither one of you will know who YOU are! Be comfortable with being who you are. Think of it like this, she said yes to a date with you in the first place so there must be “potential” there in some capacity.

Guys, hopefully these tips will raise you conversion percentage on 2^nd dates and potentially lead to a fun and healthy relationship. Ladies, I hope these tips can make you aware of a few signs that can help you help him step up his “dress code” and be the good guy that he striving to be.

Shelby M. Hill, MBA, CPC

My hope for you 2010 is that no matter your experiences last year, you were able to embrace the growth and integrate into your life the lessons you were taught and set your goals for success in 2010.

The following are 6 tips to help you win in 2010:

1. Reflect on the previous year- Notice I said ‘reflect’ not dwell. When reflecting on the previous year, ask yourself these 3 questions- What didn’t work so well last year? What went very well last year? What can I do differently this year? As you answer each question your opportunity for growth should become crystal clear. Extract the lessons from the year and leverage them into your goals for 2010.
2. Got Goals? Write them down! – Listen, if you don’t have goals then you do not have a plan and I can assure you that you will not experience growth or success this year. In fact, if you don’t have goals, you can expect to be in the place that you are right now, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and probably being  more psychologically frustrated will be the only change you’ll experience.  Goals help you start the blueprint to your future. Write your goals down on a sheet of paper, white board, a napkin…anything. Write them down and read over them daily. This helps in the process to bringing them to fruition.
3. Visualize- You heard it before and I’ll say it again- If you can SEE IT YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT! These words ring incredibly true! Although a simple exercise, visualization is an incredibly  powerful and effective technique for creating whatever you want in your life albeit a loving relationship, abundance, good health, a successful career. If you can see it, you can achieve it. There are 1000s of visualization exercises that you can incorporate into your life to help you actualize your goals and dreams. Choose one and own it!
4. Be Proactive- Get it in gear! People generally are reactive to 90% of the things that happen in their lives. I’m almost positive you fit into this bunch or you know someone who does. If so, it’s okay; now that you’re aware of it you can do something about it this year. Being proactive means that you are setting the intention to take control of your life and accomplish the goals that you have set for 2010 and beyond. Remember these words- Procrastination in life is slow painful death.
5. Make it Happen- Taking action is essential to making purposeful progress in your life. I figure like this, if you’re going to lay all of the above ground work isn’t it worth it to you to Make It Happen in your life? Why would anybody want to waste so much valuable knowledge and effort only to sit back and let fear take over? I didn’t think so. Make the natural choice in your life and pursue your goals and dreams this year. You’ll regret it every moment of everyday because your conscious will always remind you….everyone knows how this feels. Not a cool feeling!
6. Follow Through- Follow through is critical. This is the stage when you’ve made the attitude adjustment and you’ve bought into your dream and your value for self. Congratulations! None of this matters if you don’t believe in you. When following through, be sure to continue to do the small (critical) things such as review your goals, prioritize, don’t be afraid to ask for support, make calls or emails to those who meet your criteria for business and personal growth, celebrate the small successes and most important, don’t be so hard on yourself but be hard enough that you don’t backslide.

This is your year! Get your plan together to create a New You, New Attitude and get New Results in 2010!

Women, Be Strong. Be Empowered.

Shelby M. Hill MBA, CPC

The Relationship Coach

What’s the answer? How does one combat this cheating epidemic? Well, I can’t say that there is a “best answer”. All I can offer is this valuable insight. Accountability is important, most certainly. In addition, tap in into this ancient thing called integrity. Usually, if you have any at all, it will supersede your temptations and offer logic, compassion and probably most of all common sense. However, none of this matters if you know your heart isn’t with the one you’re currently committed to. If you know you want to surf the waters of various sex partners and emotional waves with a spectrum of opportunities to do so…then you should spare the one you’re with and move on. Give him/her a chance to find happiness elsewhere. No matter how hard you think it may be to break away, it has to much easier than covering up or being someone you are not.

Women, Be Strong. Be Empowered.

Shelby M. Hill MBA, CPC

A comfort zone provides the illusion of a “safe” relationship in terms of minimizing conflict. However, the comfort zone also is filled with compromise which leads to unmet needs and desires due to lack of pro-activity. As Dr. Phil suggest, if you are in a “comfort zone” you are failing to meet your responsibilities in the relationship. Don’t be dragged down by your partner with complacency, get control of your life and take back your relationship.

Shelby M. Hill, MBA, CPC

As I mentioned before, sex is a vehicle to express ourselves typically with some one we have attraction for or have feelings for. It’s a way of demonstrating trust between individuals. Allow me to make this point, sex is good. It’s good for people to experience it. It’s great exercise, it’s a great stress release. However, sex is not everything in a relationship. Think about this, if you have a fulfilling relationship sex probably makes up less than 15 percent of the relationship, which leaves 85 percent of the rest of the relationship is what’s most important to you. Conversely, if sex is a huge problem in the relationship then it becomes the primary focus therefore making it a super-sized issue in the relationship.

Sex, overall, is much more than physical intercourse or penetration. It’s a combination of emotional and mental connection, therefore, all forms of intimacy such as caressing, kissing, holding,touching, spoken words are all applicable. Chemistry is essential, just note that when all forms of intimacy are exercised “good sex” can happen but “good sex” does not equal a good relationship. If you’re basing your relationship on sex alone…be prepared to sexually drained and emotionally empty in present and future relationships.

Shelby M. Hill

Be Strong. Be Empowered.

Revisiting and Prioritizing her Value System - What I mean by this is she must understand her “core self” and what is vital to her existence as a person i.e., religion, marriage, respect, emotional health. Knowing these intangible assets about her is precious and empowering. She should understand that her Value System is not based on the fear of not having a man, relationship or some form of companionship. Her Value System essentially is the pillar of her as a woman. These core values can be reprioritized but should never be compromised.

Emotional Well-Being - This requires the commitment to “self”. It’s imperative for a woman to relieve herself of all things stressful. Creating a realm of peace and tranquility in her mind that lends itself to the rest of the body for strength and assurance. Taking time to heal from past experiences and develop love for her and, not harden to block doors of opportunity to better love and experiences.

Spirituality - It’s significant for a woman to be in touch with her spirituality and not hide behind it. It’s most beneficial for her and to a potential mate/partner to have a true grip on what her principles and beliefs are in order for the connection to be of some understanding to provide a sound foundation to build from.

Clarity on what she wants - Often a woman will express what she wants because it sounds good or because it looks good. She somehow feels that it’s the right thing for her just because she saw it working for someone else. Often decisions are made based on someone else’s experience or what someone tells another person what they should or should not do. Regularly, people think they want something particular in a relationship, for example; a man with money, or an older man with experience, however, when they get what they ask for they really don’t know what it entails nor do they really understand why they wanted it in the first place. Typically, lack of clarity in relationships often brings pain and chaos. It’s important to know where you are going in life and in your relationship so that you know how to get there and why you’re going there alone or with someone that you love and that love is reciprocated.

1. Calling in ALL invitations! Hey it’s the holiday season so of course just about everyone is having or going to a holiday event. I’m sure you have friends and really nice co-workers who have extended invitations to you to come along for the fun, so take them up on it! That’s right from November 25th until New Year’s there should never be a dull moment and a great opportunity to meet an abundance of people at a variety of places. Hopefully you’re not just drinking eggnog at every party.

2. Shop! Shop! Shop! I read somewhere that shopping during the holiday is good. The malls and shops are bustling with people and not just couples either. There are tons of single people out shopping and looking for fun single people to connect with. More so, shopping not only gives you a chance to treat yourself to something nice but, you get to have fun people watching as others are totally stressed out trying to find the perfect gift. Just try not to shop too much; you don’t want to be paying for it a year from now…with interest.

3. Coffee, Tea, or Coco- I’m not a big fan of coffee but, I do appreciate hot chocolate… with marsh mellows…and whip cream. Believe it or not hanging out at a Starbucks or any coffee shop is a great place to meet someone during the holiday season. Everyone is feeling warm and cozy as they settle into the crowded intimate setting to sip their warm beverage. What a great opportunity to do a little innocent flirting and spark some “sweet” conversation.

4. Don’t date someone just because- One thing is for sure, don’t date someone just because they’re available and so are you. You really should never do this but, especially not around the holidays. I know it can be tough at times and maybe even lonely but trust me if you slip in to this pitfall, you will regret it sooner than later. You really don’t want to bring in the New Year with this kind of bang.

5. Have a positive outlook-Believe it or not, having a positive outlook during the holidays even if you’re not dating someone is a really powerful practice. Typically when you’re positive and sincere you attract harmonious surroundings and attractive people (inside and out). These kinds of vibrations can sometimes manifest into flirtatious eye contact, a phone number exchange and if you’re really lucky, and they holiday punch is really good…you may even get a little mistletoe action.

6. Throw a party- When all else fails, which it shouldn’t but if you’re just not feeling the malls, the coffee shop, and you don’t have money to shop, throw a party and invite everybody you know…need I say more?

Relationship Coaching provides you with a fresh prospective of overcoming any challenges in any relationship. It offers a new set of tools for “out of the box” thinking when faced with barriers within your relationship.

The truth is almost everyone enters adult relationships with a lot of tools missing from the tool box to help us succeed. The only reference most of people have about relationships is from their parents or grandparents. That may have worked for them but, what’s going to work for you? This explains why divorce rates are high and the percentages of singles continue to increase. It appears that everyone is incapable of being happy. Somehow, I don’t believe that and neither should you.

You absolutely can have the relationship you want, you just need the best tools to help you succeed. With Relationship Empowerment Coaching you gain essential tools and strategies to help you accomplish relationship success and fulfillment. By embracing coaching in your life you learn and understand how to resolve your issues, improve communication, enhance intimacy and design the relationship that is valuable to you and your partner.

Empowerment Coaching is not like therapy, counseling or mentoring. Coaching is completely focused on moving your life forward. It allows you to examine where you are right now in your life and gain a very clear picture to where you want to be in the future. Everything in between is you being Empowered to take obtainable action steps to reaching your new heights in life, in your career or your relationship. With Relationship Empowerment Coaching you can: Create the relationship(s) you deserve, change relationship patterns that simply DO NOT work, gain clarity about what’s important to you i.e., your needs, your desires, improve dating skills and people interaction, transform negative feelings, increase and enhance more fulfilling intimacy between you and your mate, build trust, reduce conflict, and reconnect with your mate spiritually and mentally. That’s just to name a few of the benefits of Relationship Empowerment coaching! Take the time to educate yourself and design your best connections, you deserve it!

Women, Be Strong. Be Empowered.